On Saturday I pitched up at Anglesea Road to watch Merrion play The Hills. The Hills, for a third week running? What's going on? Am I chasing after Matt? Or his missus? What? Troilism with a hernia, a dodgy back and a stick (and that's just me)? As the late, great Frankie Howerd would say, ‘Nay, thrice nay'!

I just wanted a contest. North County v Phoenix? Over before tea (even if County bat first). YMCA v Railway? Over before Soccer Saturday's half-times. So there I was, and what happened? Damien Poder won the toss and inserted The Hills, minus Jeremy Bray and Albert van der Merwe, both victims of regulations. Patrick Byrne kicked one off middle stump, Max Sorenson dragged a widish half-volley onto his wicket, and it was doo-dah time.

Mike Baumgart and Mark Dwyer quickly took the score to 40 off 10 overs, but then the wheels fell off. Matt Petrie swings the ball away at a brisk pace, so it's not a bright idea to try to play him through mid wicket (unless you're Steve Waugh, who played everything through mid wicket). Mike Baumgart (17) tried, and holed out. Michael O'Herlihy, still lacking the family brain cell, tried, and holed out.

Mark Dwyer (13) then went into suspended animation, mesmerised by a regulation slow left-armer's turning delivery, and Kade ‘Slowhand' Beasley removed the bails. Nadim Akhtar, who can give the ball a box, didn't, and hung around before chipping the selfsame slow left-armer's turning delivery to slip. The brothers Clinton, another Byrne and a Costello quickly found ways to get themselves out.

The Hills 65 all out off 25.5 overs, Ernie Extras top-scoring with 18. Matt Petrie took 4/19 off 8.5 overs, Nick Curran 2/16 off 9 and Tiktish Patel 3/7 off 6. It didn't matter when Damien Poder drove into cover's midriff. John Anderson batted properly, and Rory Allright aggressively for a few overs of trundle from Sorensen and Luke Clinton.

Allright (21 off 20 balls) hit Sorensen for four, six, four through and over mid wicket before missing a straight one. My lip-reading is normally pretty good, and I don't think Max said ‘Well batted, son' as Rory departed. Anderson (27*) and Beasley finished things off, 69/2 off 14.1 overs. I didn't stay for tea.

Sunday saw me at Sydney Parade to see the new, improved Pembroke take on the always new and never improved Trinity. Pembroke had first hit, and after Brian O'Rourke (11) fell to a sharp slip catch by Eoghan Delany, Johnny Cook (13) missed a straight full toss from Delany, and Rick Francis (13) guided a long-hop to square leg, it was 61/3.

By then, Louis Carpenter, who can only very generously be described as a moderate fielder, had pulled a hamstring and was replaced by the watching DUCC President, who can't even be described as an immoderate fielder. Every cloud has a silver lining, and the gold standard here was that Philip Boylan had to take Louis off to St Vincent's for a several-hour wait in A+E. But Louis was there to bowl, and had to be replaced in that activity by Dargen Crowley-Long. His coaches obviously have a Sri Lankan camcorder with a malfunctioning vertical hold, and it wasn't too long before the square leg umpire called him. (His long-hop to remove Francis was legit, though.)

Another intervention from square leg and Bendey-Buss was off, replaced by Greg Withey. His bowling, and that of Tony Rollinson and Ben Dunk at the other end was poor, but not dreadful, unlike the Trinity fielding. My mind went back to Leinster 5ths in the 1980s, when the off side was populated by the heavy wallet brigade of Jack McDonnell, John Cunningham, Ronnie O'Reilly and Paul Noonan. Whatever their attributes as batters and bowlers, they couldn't field for nuts. They would have looked good in this Trinity side.

Theo Lawson and Graham McDonnell helped themselves, until Lawson somehow got himself out for 35 with the score on 145. Joe Byrne (another lucky 13) joined his fellow Leinster reject McDonnell to take the score to 209, and eventually McDonnell completed his century, out finally for 108 off 103 balls. A ton's a ton's a ton, and Graham did bat very well, but I hope he bought a round of drinks for the students afterwards (they would have spilled them, though). Pembroke reached 245/6 off their 45, Eoghan Delany's first six overs yielding 1/16 and his last three 1 for loadsandloads.

I did stay for tea, which was very nice, thank you, ladies. If Trinity have a strength, it's in their batting. But Delany nicked off for 9, and Adam Hall likewise for 17. Hall had survived a caught behind appeal to lots of teapots and oohs from Pembroke, only to be dropped at slip next ball. The ‘Broke don't change: they can talk the talk, but fall over when they have to walk the walk. Ben Dunk can bat. He entertained us for 60, ably assisted by Mark Raftery-Skehan, to take the score to 125/2. Then Dunk chased a wide alleged leg-break from Johnny Hall down keeper Lawson's throat. When Zog followed for 21 it was all over.

Trinity flustered and fiddled to 173/9 of 42.2 overs (Crowley-Long's elbow was a lot straighter in compiling a well-made 0*), Graham McDonnell bowling well for 1/29, Peter Byrne ever-noisily for 1/31 (one successful shout out of 54, not counting the wides), and Johnny Cook fortuitously for 4/24.

Please tell me what Trinity are doing in Senior cricket. They make a dog's dinner of every competition they're in, and now I hear they're being allowed to roger up the 20:20. I care very deeply about cricket, and I didn't spend a year in St James's fighting for my continued existence for this. It can't just be that Mary Sharp works there (if anybody actually does), nor can it be that I worked (now and then) in the rival Stillorgan Higher Institute of Technology. Is there a cunning plan? Baldric, please, tell me!